Mom gone wild
My emotions have run a little wild lately.
Over dessert the other night with one of my besties I confessed that sometimes dealing with others' perceptions of my son makes me a little, well, wild. I could feel my face getting red while I talked about the ways I find myself defending viewpoints I never thought I'd have to defend--things like what K is capable of, will be capable of, the way others see him as an "other." My friend mentioned a few mamas she's seen get a little crazy about their kids who struggle in school for various reasons. From an outsider's perspective, those moms might seem unreasonably fierce, a little too confrontational; they might give the impression that the world should bend for their kid in ways the world isn't inclined to, in ways that seem unreasonable. I knew a number of these mamas in my teaching days. When I saw them in the hallways, I trembled in my flats; please don't come to my room, I'd fret. Whatever it is, I didn't mean to!
I get it now. Being a mom means being a full-time advocate. Advocacy means something different for every little. Our E is independent and self-sufficient. Advocacy for her usually means stepping in and encouraging her to give herself a break, to slow down, regroup. Our A is equally independent but still little. Advocating for her involves encouraging her to use her words instead of her emotions to make herself heard, sometimes interpreting her reactions for others who may not see where her frustrations stem from. K is also independent, but he has a diagnosis that earns him extra assistance doing things that come naturally for the girls. Those of us who have kids with extra hurdles know that getting the world to see our kids the way we see them is a daily challenge. We love our littles with some fierce Mama-love. It makes us a little kid-crazy. Remember your middle school boy/girl-crazy days? Kid-crazy is a little like it. We are full devotees to helping our kids navigate life. When something or someone gets in our way, we can go a little wild.
To the teacher, the specialist, the therapist, the administrator, or the stranger on the street: Bear with us. We just love our littles beyond our ability to express it in rational words. We would throw ourselves in front of the bus for them. We apologize if sometimes we take you with us for the plunge. Try to hear between words. And believe us when we tell you our little CAN. We live it day in and day out.We sweat blood to make it happen. We know. And we do appreciate all that you do. Truly. Chances are, if we're having a moment, we FEEL as crazy as we SEEM. Give us a minute and we'll climb down off the cliff, become rational again, and move forward with you in our shared goals.
I guess this mama-gone-wild is on a life-long learning curve. Eventually I'll strike the balance--letting unimportant things roll off my back, speaking up when it matters, and learning to let K take the lead as he grows. More powerful than my words are his actions, his accomplishments. I'll have to be satisfied with the way he chooses to let them shine and trust his timing, too. In the end, he is who he is. No apologies or explanations necessary.
I find when I can focus on who my little guy is--the way he fits into our family so seamlessly, the way we all love his quirky nature, his quick laugh, his sly antics, and his emotional perceptiveness--the rest just gets blurry. Sometimes it's blurry behind tears, but mostly those tears are happy ones. Sadness and frustration sometimes pepper the happy, true. But it's a package deal. We kinda like the package just the way he is.